The feeling was sobering. For the first time in my life I felt it absolutely necessary to go after that fiery feeling. Day after day I went to work excited to be in one of my favorite atmospheres, gearing up for another day of self-discovery. Being back in a space I had been denied access to just a year before was reintroduced. That was such a blessing! The atmosphere was different and I have all of the new dancers to thank for that. My first season paled in comparison to my last and the rooms were lighter.
I never would have imagined my thrust into a higher realm of understanding my calling would show up the way it had. Sooner than expected I began sitting in the studio day after day longing for more. Mixed in with my favorite ballet classes, growing knowledge and high expectation of how I could develop with each rehearsal was this sobering knowing. THERE IS MORE! With that realization I continued on, each day growing more and more restless. This idea that there was indeed more, pushed me to do great work, to begin looking to my near future. I remember messaging my pastor one morning because my new found revelation made me like a racehorse. I wanted to run but in the company I had begun to feel trapped. She said something to me that helped transform my vision... "Pursue the call".
In the midst of everything else yet another sobering reality shook me to my core. I was not valued as a dancer in the company, in all aspects. The things that matter to me were not a priority in the company. I was speaking but not being listened to. I was pouring but not being poured into. Dance is such a vulnerable profession. It often causes dancers to wrestle between the best decisions for themselves and the opinions of everyone else in the room. It can be fragile, choosing yourself over the perceived disapproval of those in charge. No on wants to disappoint anyone because all you want to do is dance! However, I knew I had a decision to make. A place that met me during one of the toughest periods of my life ended up experiencing a much higher version of me. Each negative experience morphed into the life lessons that made me stand taller, stretch further and become my own cheerleader. I began dancing for an audience of One.
Resigning from the ballet company needed to happen. I chose myself, my longevity and my God. It was not a tough decision. It was a liberating one. I see that clearly now.
My final day in the building ended with a crappy exchange that pushed me to make the decision. I have never felt so ripe for the highest, most perfect will of God.
When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion (Jerusalem), We were like those who dream [it seemed so unreal]. Psalm 126:1 amp
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